Tears
by dumbmonkeygirl
Summary: My first fic, cm eventually, may be a bit depressing - Chap 7!
1. Default Chapter

Tears

Okay folks this is my first bash at a fanfic so before you continue reading I apologise profusely if this sucks. If it does suck I would welcome constructive criticism. If  by chance this happens to be okay, nice reviews are always welcome as well. I'll stop whittering now and get on with it.

Disclaimer 

I don't own any of the characters from Friends (luckily for them!)

Okay here's the low down. This story is set mostly in the present (2001). However, things are a little different in the Friends world. In 1996, Monica got married to a man called John Lindsay who she had been dating for a while (you can make up how long). Shortly after they had a daughter called Chloe and moved to Seattle. As a consequence, Mon hasn't seen anyone from the gang for a long time. I have to warn you that this chapter only contains Mon and is quite dark and violent. I am sorry but this is necessary to set up the story, I promise that future instalments will contain the others and will not be as depressing. That's all I have to say, so here it goes….

1996

Monica stood smiling, tears glistening in her eyes. The man standing opposite her was also smiling. She couldn't believe that she was getting married, and to the man of her dreams. As the priest proclaimed them husband and wife she leant in and kissed him tenderly.

" I love you so much," she whispered in his ear.

"I love you too Mon," he replied.

The gang watched on as Monica and John Lindsay exchanged words at the altar. Each one of them were happy beyond words for Monica, they all knew how much she had wanted this and they were all ecstatic that her dreams had been realised.

2001

Chloe walked out of her room and stared at her mommy who was slumped on the floor. A broken vase surrounded her and she was holding her hands to her bleeding nose. Chloe was only 5 but she knew that her mommy was sad. She padded out of her room and curled up tightly next to mom, trying to make her feel better.

Monica was vaguely aware of her daughter's warmth next to her but she continued to stare into space. How had it come to this she wondered? How had a love that had once been so sweet turned so sour?

Their problems had started 3 years after they got married when John lost his job. Looking back she recognised that this had been the start of the nightmare. With a young child to look after she had not realised how much John's redundancy had affected him. He had started drinking, not enough for her to notice at first. Slowly it had become apparent to her that he had a problem but it hadn't hit her fully until he first lashed out. She remembered that first blow vividly. She remembered how he had been so sorry afterwards that she had forgiven him. Yet he wasn't sorry, not really, because here she was 2 years later battered and bruised by a husband who had once loved her.

Monica's thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door slamming. She scrambled to her feet quickly, pushing Chloe into her bedroom. She was determined that her daughter would not be hurt by the inevitable out lash that was to come. Before she had a chance to pick up the shards of glass that littered the floor, John entered the room.

"I'm so sorry John, I really am. I was just about to clean up the mess, I swear," Monica rambled as she mentally prepared herself for the blow.

" It doesn't matter Mon, really it doesn't. It doesn't matter sweetie, I'm so sorry." John walked over to her, pulling her into a hug and stroking her hair. Monica sobbed quietly into his shoulder as he mumbled words she had heard a thousand times before,

" I swear to God I'll try to get help. This is the last time Mon, the last time baby. I never wanted to hurt you, never. I love you."

As she sobbed, he pulled her head up and kissed her softly on the lips. Monica could smell the alcohol on his breath but she was beyond caring. He took her hand and lead her slowly to their bedroom. She had often asked herself why she didn't just leave him but secretly she knew the answer, a part of her still loved him.

2 months later

John stormed into the living room after Monica waving the positive pregnancy test.

"You tell me now, you lying bitch! Who the hells is it ?!" he shouted.

" I told you already, it's yours, it's your baby!" she screamed back at him.

She was sick of it. Sick of all the fights and violence and now she was bringing another child into their hurt filled world. She couldn't take it any more, she knew she had lost control but she couldn't stop herself.

" Why the fuck would I lie to you  John, why?!! Do you think I want it to be yours? Do you think I want my baby's father to be an alcoholic, wife beating bastard, huh? Do you? Cause I sure as hell don't!!!"

She continued screaming at him until she was suddenly silenced by his hand across her face,

"You stupid whore." He breathed menacingly as he walked towards her until she was backed up against the couch.  The anger in Monica's eyes was replaced by terror, she knew what was coming. John lost all restraint and started pounding her face, body, anywhere he could reach as hard as possible. Monica tried to run into the hall but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her hard, down to the floor. Taking no notice to the crack her wrist made, John kicked a screaming Monica into their bedroom.

Through her bedroom wall Chloe could hear her mommy's screams and her daddy's shouts. Chloe curled up in her bed and started crying. She didn't understand properly but she knew that daddy was hurting mommy and she wanted him to stop.

As John left the apartment to find a bar, mother and daughter lay crying in adjacent bedrooms. 'But this time is different,' Monica thought to herself. ' Enough is enough, I'm leaving. I can cope with my life being ruined but not Chloe's and not my baby's. Tonight I'm going home. Tonight I'm going back to New York.' 

That's all folks, for now anyway. I'll continue this if I get some positive feed back. Actually I'll probably continue even if I don't but please, please, please review ( okay I've stopped begging now, the ball is in your court)


	2. tears 2

Tears Chapter 2

Okay chapter 2 is finally up. Sorry to take so long but I've been ill. Hope this prevents your heads from exploding (especially Mari!). I will try to make this one longer

Disclaimer

I don't own any characters from Friends. Not one little bit. Zilch.

Before I begin, I need to say a couple of things. Firstly, the living arrangement in New York is as follows. Phoebe and Rachel live together in Mon's old apartment. Ross lives in ugly naked guys old place and Chandler still lives at no. 19. Joey recently moved out because he felt as an up and coming actor he needed his own place (!) The whole Ross getting married another two times thing, never happened but he and Rachel did date and go 'on a break'. Monica hasn't seen the gang in 3 years.  Also I know nothing about time differences between Seattle and New York but lets just presume that Monica arrived in New York the morning after she left John.

New York City

Chandler was pulled violently out of a deep sleep by a sharp knocking on his door. Sitting up slowly, he tried to clear the fog from his head. He glanced at his clock that read 2.00 am and wondered who on earth was at his front door in the middle of the night. The knocking continued as he turned the possibilities over in his mind.

He knew that it wasn't Rachel; she was out of town on a fashion conference. It probably wasn't Phoebe because she had had a date that evening. Even more unlikely was the possibility that it was Ross banging on his front door. That left just one conclusion, Joey. Doubtless, he has lost the key to his new apartment, Chandler thought to himself wryly. His thoughts were interrupted as the volume and desperation of the knocking was increased. Exasperated he called out,

" Cool it Jo, I'm coming!" as he untangled his feet from the bedclothes and ambled to the front door.

Chandler opened the door leisurely and received the biggest shock of his life. Standing on the other side was a woman he hadn't seen in nearly 3 years. His gasp was audible,

"Oh my God! Monica, what are you doing here?"

Her silence spook words, as he stood gaping. Chandler was more than shocked, he was appalled. The Monica that stood before him was a mere ghost of the past. A shell of the woman he had once known. Her face was gaunt and streaked with tears. A livid red gash on her forehead stood out in stark contrast to her whiteness. Chandler's gape widened as his eyes focused on the rest of her body. Her shoulders were slumped and water was pouring down her body in rivulets from her soaking hair. Nature's cruel joke against her.

Chandler remained riveted to the spot, he couldn't drag his gaze away from the horror she was trying, unsuccessfully to hide beneath her coat. Her wrist was twisted beyond recognition; yellow tinged bruising was spreading its diseased grip to her disjointed fingers.

" Oh my God Monica, what happened," Chandler stuttered as his tongue caught up with the thoughts racing around in his head. His words seemed to bounce harshly back at him off her eerily still body. Her only movement was the involuntary shaking of her shoulders as a wretched sob escaped.

"Monica," Chandler said more loudly, trying to penetrate the invisible barrier around her silent form. She lifted her head slowly, as her empty eyes met with his she snapped out of her daze.

"Help me please, Chandler" she sobbed as the barriers crumbled and she stumbled through the door into his arms. Her shoulders heaved and sobs wracked through her body as she sunk into Chandler's grip. She had thought nobody had been home, she had convinced herself. Having already tried no. 20 she had prepared herself for the inevitable, no one would answer and she would have to go 'home'. As Chandler tentatively stroked her back emotions she had been restraining for years poured out. She wept, thankful that she was finally back where she belonged, this was home.

As Monica muffled her cries in his shoulder Chandler, not wanting to hurt her, lead her slowly to his barca lounger.

It was at this point that he lifted his head and noticed the forlorn figure stood at the door. A snapshot of innocence, Chloe had an expression of childish bemusement on her face and was clutching a tattered doll closely to her chest.

" What's happenin' " she asked Chandler. Her voice broke his heart, full of wonderment, not yet tainted by the cruel world. Or so he thought.

"I dunno honey, perhaps you could tell me," Chandler gritted his teeth as he wondered what the hell to do. Out of nowhere Mon and Chloe had arrived on his doorstep and he was lost, completely and utterly. He stepped tentatively towards Chloe who he hadn't seen since she was in diapers, 

" Hey Chloe, I'm your Uncle Chandler," he whispered as he stretched out a hand towards her.

" Hey Uncle Chandler," answered Chloe, guardedly. She didn't know this man and she didn't know if she wanted to. Mummy had hugged him though, so he must be okay, she thought to herself as she took his hand. Mummy hardly ever hugged Daddy. He hugged her when he was saying 'sorry' but she hardly ever hugged back. Chloe already thought sorry was one of the most untruthful words in the English language. Chandler walked over to the barca lounger, taking Chloe with him, and stared with concern at Monica. Her shoulders were slumped and she was obviously going into shock,

"Mon we need to go to hospital,"

She shook her head violently and continued to shiver.

"But Monica you're shaking and your wrist needs to be looked at…."

Monica drew a jagged breath and shook her head again. Her sharp blue eyes, dulled by years of pain, started to well up with more tears.

Chloe tugged at his hand and Chandler looked at her perfect face. She looks so like Monica he noted to himself ruefully,

"Make Mommy stop crying," Chloe asked pitifully.

Then the day's emotions finally caught up with her, her bottom lip trembled, and she began to cry. Chandler looked helplessly from mother to daughter. He picked Chloe up in his arms and lifted the receiver of the phone.

"Hi Ross. It's Chandler. No I'm fine but I need your help, it's Monica…"

2 weeks later

Chandler stepped into the darkened bedroom with a mug of soup. Monica was lying with her back to him. Hair dark hair was spread out like a fan, cutting the whiteness of the pillow her head was lying on. He walked into the room and placed the mug next to her on the bedside table,

"Dinner is served Mon," silence greeted his cheery statement but he knew she was awake. " Please Mon," he sighed, "Eat it, just for me please." His pleas fell on deliberately deaf ears.

 Chandler was worried. He was beyond worried, he was scared. Monica had eaten hardly anything since they had returned from the hospital 2 weeks ago, she was wasting away before him. 

That night had been, without a doubt, the worst in his life. After Ross had come over it had taken them a full 3 hours to get Monica to hospital, all the time with Chloe whimpering in the background. Chandler remembered the look of shocked amazement that Ross' face had worn when he first saw the state of his 'baby sister'. He supposed he had looked the same when he first saw her.

When Monica had finally gotten treatment, he and Ross had been faced with the full extent of her injuries. She had broken her wrist in several places, had 2 dislocated fingers and 3 cracked ribs. Along with this, angry bruises spread across her body like a disease.

Chandler didn't want to know how this had happened to her, but he had a fair idea. John. In the last two weeks, Chloe had spoken up about how Daddy had 'hurt Mommy real bad this time' Chandler tried to block this unpleasant thought from his mind but it kept coming back, taunting him with the ugly implications within Chloe's statement.

Amongst the gang, there was an unspoken agreement not to mention anything about it.

At first, Ross had been livid. Chandler himself felt this rage bubbling deep down inside him, but they had all agreed not to do anything rash for Monica's sake.

The gang themselves were shell-shocked. Each one trying to deal with Monica, Chloe and their problems in their own way. It had been agreed that Monica should stay at Chandler's. I was just easier that way. Everyday the gang would come, visit her, and try to break her silence in different ways. Rachel would fill her in on all the latest juicy gossip. Phoebe would try to cleanse her aura. Joey would practice his lines to her. Chandler would just talk to her like they used, except she used to reply. Unsurprisingly it was Ross who had the biggest problem with Monica's enforced silence. He said that she reminded him of a living corpse in a silent tomb. The others would tell him to be quiet, especially in front of Chloe, but secretly they all agreed.

Chloe, herself was doing better than anyone may have hoped. She was a talkative child and she enjoyed finally having people to chatter to. She would always become silent, however, when she visited her Mom. It scared her. Even in the worst days in Seattle, her Mom would talk to her and reassure her. Now that was gone and Chloe didn't know what to do.

Chandler turned all these thoughts over in his head as he stroked Monica's hair. He remembered how the last thing she had said to him was,

"Help me please, Chandler"

He wanted to, he really did, but he didn't know how,

"Please let me help you Mon" He whispered softly as he kissed her on the cheek and left the room.

Monica felt his lips brush against her forehead and sighed. She wasn't being silent to hurt him, to hurt any of them. It was just easier that way. That way she didn't have to admit the truth. The truth was that John beat her and she was pregnant with his child. They didn't want to know the truth. She knew the truth. She always knew the truth, because when you cut yourself or someone else with the truth, it bled.

As she was drifting into sleep Monica heard a familiar holler,

"Where the fuck is she!"

It was John. Normally he appeared in her nightmares but this time he had come back for real. Monica curled up in a small ball trying to block out Chloe's crying in Chandlers living room.

TBC

HAHAHAHA ! (evil cackle) Don't you love cliffhangers? No? Then review and tell me so!


	3. tears 3

Tears Chapter 3

Again sorry this took so long but my computer broke.

Disclaimer: Why do I bother? You know I don't own them.

Authors Note: Some people have pointed out that Monica would never have travelled on a plane (to NY from Seattle) in the state she was in. I agree, this is problem I can't think of way around so lets just pretend that no one on the plane or at either airport noticed her injuries. I know that is a stretch but that is why this is FICTION. Back to the story, FYI Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Chloe were talking in the living room when John reappeared.

John crashed through the apartment door, taking them all by surprise. He grasped the foosball table for support as the room swayed around him, colors blending into a blur before his eyes. For a second he stood bemused, wondering where he was and why he was there. As the room swayed back into focus he remembered, a river of anger coursed through his body making his head snap up dangerously,

"Where the fuck is she?" he hollered causing Chloe to start screaming into Rachel's trembling shoulder. John took a teetering step into the apartment and took in the group of people obstructing his way to Monica, his right to Monica.

"I'm going to fucking kill you all," he slurred.

Chandler gazed on in horror. A sense of the inevitable flooded his body. All the gang had known John would appear eventually. All of the gang had been dealing with the same heavy feeling of dread and anticipation in their stomachs. John, a man he had once respected was now a monster. Maybe he had done this to himself or maybe he was just a product of today's society but he scared Chandler. Chandler was scared for himself, scared that the hate in John's glazed eyes may be one day mirrored in his own. Watching the scene unfold before him Chandler felt detached, separated from himself. He was frozen firmly on the spot. His feet glued down and his head hazy.

Ross had no such problems, he lunged towards John immediately. Gazing into his bloodshot eyes Ross felt a contradictory mixture of both revulsion and pity. Controlling the temper rising inside him he muttered through clenched teeth,

"Monica doesn't want to see you."

"No shit!" John laughed drunkenly, " I don't give a fuck what she wants, she's my wife and I'm taking her home."

" This is her home" Ross replied, his tone matching his ice-cold stare.

"The fuck it is!" John shouted back, " a woman's place is with her husband, and since that would be me I'm taking her home!"

His words hung in the air as the two men stared doggedly at each other. Rachel watched on, her whole body taught in the tight atmosphere of the room. Like a knife, John's fist rose and cut through the thick air, connecting with Ross's chin and sending electric shocks around the room.

"Oh my God!" screamed Rachel as she fumbled for the phone trying to get her reluctant fingers to press 911.

Chandler stood detached from the scene. Rachel's panic, Chloe's screams, and John and Ross's anger failed to penetrate his daze. Rage tingled in his fingers and pricked at the back of his brain but still he could not move. Without humour, he noted that Ross was down on the floor, John towering above him. Chandler's heart broke for Monica as he watched her husband and brother fight. 'What did she do to deserve this?' he thought to himself. She was a sweet, kind woman, what did she ever do?

Monica lay in a ball in her room and listened silently to all the commotion just outside her door. She just wanted them to stop shouting. All she wanted was their harsh voices to stop piercing her cocoon of silence. ' What did I ever do to deserve this?' she thought to herself. What did I ever do?

Monica stood up slowly, on unsteady feet. She opened the bedroom door and looked at the scene before her. She'd had enough; she wanted to end all the hurt and tears once and for all,

" Will you stop screaming?!!" she shrilly cried.

Her voice was magic. The room froze in time. John and Ross looked amazed, their hands stopped in the air. Rachel's mouth dropped open as the telephone clattered to the ground. Chloe stopped screaming and lifted her tear stained face to her mothers voice. Chandler was the only one to speak, his voice cracking with emotion,

"Monica, you're up. Thank God"

John swayed, caught his balance, and started to lumber towards Monica. His attention focused on her shrunken form, his eyes fixed on her face. This time Chandler was ready, 

"You bastard," he said as he swung his arm forward and felt his fist connect firmly with Johns nose. Seemingly surprised, John fell backwards and splayed out on the floor.

"Get out," Chandler told him firmly, "Get out right now or we'll call the police. Get out right now and never come back."

Through the drunken fog in his head, John understood. He started to cry, he loved Monica he really did. His tears mixed with the blood pouring from his nose, his rage was completely evaporated as he stumbled out of Monica's life, looking for some alcohol to dull the pain in his heart.

Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Chloe stared in disbelief at each other. John was gone, leaving the whole room shaking with released emotion. A rueful smile edged Monica's lips in the bittersweet aftermath of victory. The room was a merry go round of colors and emotions spinning uncontrollably around her, blurring into one. Chandler turned around just in time to run and catch her as she fainted.

5 months later

Monica entered the apartment and called out,

"Chandler, Chloe, is anyone in?"

Silence was the cheerful answer. Monica didn't like it when it was silent. She didn't like being alone with her thoughts. Intending to leave her purse in her bedroom then go down to the coffee house she was stopped in her tracks by Chloe's doll laying haphazardly on the floor. Picking it up she felt the tears welling up in her eyes. She shook her head willing them to go away, her shrink said it was normal to have these attacks of emotion but Monica didn't like them. To her, crying was showing weakness. She couldn't afford to be weak; she had to be strong for both Chloe and her unborn child. 

' Unborn child' she turned the phrase over and over in her head until it was a chant. She hadn't told anyone about her 'unborn child' despite the fact that she was 7 months pregnant, no one knew. Monica let her hand rest on her only slightly rounded stomach, hidden well under the folds of her baggy jumper. As with Chloe her pregnancy was hardly showing at all. Monica didn't know why but she was grateful. Deep in the recesses of her mind, she had convinced herself that the life inside of her was not real, that if no one knew about it she could forget it as well. To the gang she seemed to be doing well, her injuries had healed and it seemed her heart and mind were as well. To an extent, this was true but Monica couldn't let go of the past entirely because of the bitter secret inside of her womb. She wanted to keep the baby there forever, warm and safe, so that she didn't have to face it and it didn't have to face the cruel world. 

Trying to forget her troubles Monica stood back up slowly tidied away Chloe's doll and headed out of the apartment. Just as she reached the door Chandler entered with Chloe. She smiled at him and he smiled warmly back at her. Chandler was so proud of her, she was so brave, and he felt privileged to be her friend.

" Mommy, mommy," babbled Chloe clambering to be picked up. Monica did so holding Chloe close to her, feeling overwhelmed with love.

"Where you been honey?" she asked the fidgeting child in her arms.

"Uncle Chandler took me to Central Park and we fed the ducks didn't we Uncle Chandler?"

"Yeah we did!" Chandler answered raising his hand for a high five from Chloe. Unconsciously Monica flinched as his hand rose, causing Chandler to frown momentarily. Trying to cover up his discomfort Chandler lifted Chloe from Monica's arms and told her to go wipe her face, which was covered with chocolate.

" So where have you been?" he asked her.

" My shrink" Monica replied. Again, Chandler frowned. Monica having a shrink reminded him that things weren't exactly how they used to be. Unlike him, drinking too much coffee wasn't Monica's only problem.

" Well anyway" he said, shrugging away his discomfort, " Ross wants to know what we're gonna do about Joey's birthday. You know whether we should have a cake or not…."

Chandler's voice had faded out for Monica. She had felt a familiar pain in her stomach. It couldn't be she told herself, it's too soon. The pain intensified and spread outwards, Monica knew something was wrong so did Chandler,

"Mon are you okay, Mon you…."

"Call an ambulance," she gasped "I'm having a baby,"

TBC

Okay how was that one? Please review, but don't tell me the pregnancy thing isn't possible because I had a friend who was almost 8 months pregnant and if she wore baggy jumpers I SWEAR you couldn't tell (it's to do with how your womb is tilted) You can criticise everything else though if you really didn't like it. You can also be nice if you really did like it.


	4. tears 4

Tears 4

Okay folks here we go again…

Disclaimer: I don't own them (I know, shocking isn't it!)

Chandler watched Monica's face contort, another searing pain rushing up through her body. The ambulance siren wailed dully in his ears as they crawled their way through the rush hour traffic. He couldn't believe this was happening, it was too surreal and terrifying to contemplate, instead he focused all his energy on soothing both Monica and Chloe. Hoping in some way he could ease the pain of mother and daughter.

Another contraction hit Monica, causing her to gasp for breath and squeeze Chandler's hand tightly. She turned her face towards his blurred image and tried to articulate the thoughts circling around her pain filled mind.,

"Chandler it's too soon, this isn't right, it's not right, I'm scared…"

She screamed again causing Chandler to wince. Chloe tugged on his sleeve and sniffed loudly,

" What's happening Uncle Chandler?"

He turned and looked despairingly at her tear filled eyes,

"I don't know honey, I really don't" he told her honestly.

It was true; he hadn't a clue what was going on. As far as he could gather Monica had been secretly pregnant and had then gone into premature labour in the apartment, beyond that it all became a panic filled blur. Snap shots of phoning the ambulance, Monica's searing screams, phoning Ross and soothing a terrified Chloe filtered through the fog in his brain. But that was all they were, snap shots, a moment in time devoid of feeling and emotion. He supposed he must be in shock of some sort, his disbelief numbing his panic making him calm and emotionless.

The ambulance pulled up in front of the hospital with a screech. All of a sudden the paramedics became a bustle of activity, springing up and taking command, their body's filled with orderly bustle.

Monica was wheeled away into the hospital, leaving Chandler and Chloe to fade away into the hazy summer air. Coming to his senses Chandler stood up, bundled Chloe under his arm and followed Monica's retreating figure into the hospital.

The first thing that hit him as his entered the building was the tidal wave of noise. Chandler felt like he was going to be sick, the noise, the smell, the clinically white walls all combined to make him feel dangerously dizzy. Just when he thought he was going to faint, a familiar voice punctured through the heavy air.

"What the hell is going on Chandler ?!!" 

Ross shouted barging through the crowds of people thronging around the emergency room. Rachel ran in close behind, trying, to no avail, to get Ross to calm down. For the second time in 7 months Ross had received a stuttered call from Chandler concerning Monica, he was now frantic with worry. Grabbing Chandler's shoulders he repeated his question,

"What's happened Chandler? Did the bastard come back? Is Monica going to be alright…"

Ross' torrent of questions rained down heavily on Chandler's head. Seeing the glazed look in Chandler's eyes, Rachel grabbed Ross' arm and pulled him away,

"Ross! Just give him a chance to answer," she turned back to Chandler,

"Chandler, honey, what's happened?"

Chandler looked at Ross and Rachel's confused eyes and tried to gather his equally confused thoughts. Chloe squeezed his hand and he sighed, running a hand through his hair,

"Ummm, well I came home from the park with Chloe and Mon was in the apartment, she'd just come back from her shrink. And we were talking when all of a sudden she got this look on her face, and she turned to me and told me to phone an ambulance."

Rachel looked suitably bemused, "Why?"

Ignoring her interruption Chandler continued, " She said she was giving birth"

Rachel's jaw dropped, her gasp of surprise causing people to turn round in their chairs and stare.

Ross just stuttered in disbelief, " Wwwhat? That can't be right, you must have it wrong. That's impossible!!!" 

Exasperated Chandler continued, his voice steadily rising, " That's what I thought Ross but its true. Your sister is in there," he pointed vaguely in the direction of the room Monica had been wheeled into, " and whether you believe it or not she _is_ giving birth, and from what I can gather things aren't going great, so either we can stand out here and yell at each other or we can go in there and try and support our friend!"

Ross stared at Chandler's face, creased with worry, and realised that he wasn't the only one who cared and worried about Monica's safety,

"I'm so sorry man, it's just.."

Chandler nodded his head, " I know man, I know," his embrace telling Ross he understood completely.

Swallowing down the tears that were rising in his throat, Chandler let go of Ross and led Monica's brother, daughter and best friend to the window outside the room where she was giving birth. What they saw through the thin pane of glass was a portrait of pain

Her dark hair hung in limp threads, sweat soaked and matted to her forehead. Her face was scrunched up, her blue eyes dulled as waves of agony washed over her. Hysteria crept into her voice as she clenched her hands in tight fists and thrashed her head,

"Please save my baby, please save my baby!" she screamed

Assessing the situation the doctor called out, "Okay, this one looks like an emergency C- section"

Chandler wanted to punch him, he was so calm and professionally detached from the situation. Rachel tugged at his shoulder,

" Come on honey, you don't want to watch this. She's in the doctor's hands now. She'll be fine" she pulled him away from the window and led him into the waiting where Ross was sitting, ashen faced, with Chloe on his lap trying to fill in Monica's details on a form.

"She'll be fine," Rachel repeated, hoping if she said it enough times everything would be fine, that the nightmare would stop and they could all return to their happy, mundane lives. Shaking her head in frustration at her selfishness Rachel realised that a 'happy mundane life' was something Monica hadn't had for a long time.

As the anxious friends waited, seconds blurred into minutes that ticked on for what seemed like eternity. Chandler's mind was going into overdrive, morbid thoughts of Monica's pain inhabited his brain like a plague, breeding in his mind until he had convinced himself he was going to loose her forever. Every so often Chloe would whimper in Ross' arms, causing Chandler to momentarily snap out of his reverie only to be faced with the waxen faces of his anxious friends, living the nightmare just as he was.

Finally a doctor emerged from the delivery room. Chandler, Rachel and Ross' heads snapped up in synchronisation. Their eyes a curious mixture of hope and fear, Chloe remained undisturbed from the deep sleep she had fallen into, unaware that the seconds about to pass could change her life forever.

" Are you the relatives of Monica Lindsay?" They all nodded, waiting with baited breath. The doctor paused,

" Monica has given birth to a baby girl, however she had some complications during the birth causing her to loose a lot of blood, but we've managed to stabilise her. She's under aesthetic at the moment but you can visit her in the morning."

Chandler felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders, he exhaled and a tentative smile spread across his face. He turned to Ross and Rachel who were crying in relief and then promptly burst into tears, the day catching up with him. Chloe remained sleeping through the whole ordeal; her childish face an oasis of calm in the emotional turmoil of the day.

The next Morning 

The golden sun broke through the hospital blinds, casting an effervescent glow on Monica's sleeping features. The lines of the previous days pain had been smoothed out by the night's tranquil sleep, leaving her face smooth and serene. 

Slowly she fluttered her eyes open, oceans of blue shimmering in the pale morning light. A movement next to her bed caused her to turn her head. With her back to Monica a nurse was bent over an incubator. Turning around the nurse smiled at her warmly,

"Morning Monica. Did you have a good nights sleep?"

Monica nodded her head absentmindedly, her eyes transfixed on the tiny bundle in the incubator. The nurse followed her gaze,

"That's your daughter. Would you like to hold her?"

Again, Monica nodded silently. The nurse picked up the delicate package and placed her in Monica's outstretched arms. Recognising the look of fear and awe on her patient's face the nurse left the room, closing the door behind her quietly.

Monica just stared, overcome with to many emotions to move. The baby's tiny nose scrunched up as she stoked the whisper of hair on its head. With a tear of love running down her cheek, Monica hesitantly spoke to her newborn child,

"I love you so much. You're so perfect darling. And I swear with all my heart that I will protect you and keep you that way. You and Chloe are the only things that matter to me, you're my whole world. Rachel-Erica Geller I love you with all my heart and soul."

Through the window of her room Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chloe and Chandler looked on and smiled.

TBC (?)

Now here's a question for y'all. Should I call it a day with Tears, as this fic would be a nice note to end on OR should I continue it and develop a Chan and Mon relationship. The ball is in your court, please review and tell me what I should 


	5. Tears 5

Tears Part 5 

The bitch is back to torture y'all ;) 

This one is dedicated to everyone who had a shitty weekend like me (you know who you are) 

*hugs her crazy family * 

We made it through in one piece, well done! :)

Disclaimer: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. By the by I don't own them.

Authors Note: This takes place a few weeks after the birth. It is also a bit of  a different style, more conversation, less description.

Monica looked down lovingly at her sleeping daughters. A chink in the curtains allowed a street lamp to cast a warm glow around the room, illuminating Chloe and Rachel's sleeping features and casting shadows on the walls of the small room. She sighed, her momentary serenity spoilt by the worries that had been hacking away in her mind for some time. She was scared. Scared of being a single Mom. Scared in some way she would fail her children, fail to show them how much she loved them, fail to protect them from what troubles came their way. 

A soft rustling outside her bedroom door interrupted her increasingly negative train of thoughts. She got up quietly, pulled an old robe around her tiny frame and padded out into the living room.

"Hey," Chandler whispered quietly as he lifted his head and saw her body silhouetted in the door frame, " What are you doing up so late?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," she answered, observing his ruffled hair and crumpled clothes. He shrugged,

"I couldn't sleep I guess"

"Me neither," she smiled wanly and walked up to the counter where he was standing with a glass of water, "Plus Rachel will doubtless want to be fed soon."

"Right," Chandler laughed, "And there's another reason why trying to sleep is pointless, when Rachel wants fed, boy do we all know about it."

Monica frowned at his wise crack, " Look Chandler, I'm really sorry that I'm still staying here but I have no where else to go. I am looking for my own apartment; I'll be out of your hair soon. I promise"

Chandler was taken a back by the cutting tone in her voice, 

"Don't worry Mon, I was joking. Stay here as long as you want. Honestly, it's no trouble to me."

His eyes ran over her face with concern. Since she had come back from the hospital he had been worried about her health. She looked tired. Her face was drawn, her cheek bones jutted out at sharp angles and the dark blue smudges under her eyes enhanced how the sparkling mischief that they had once held was long gone.

" Look Mon, are you alright? You seem a bit, well, ill "

Tellingly she didn't say a word. She wanted to open up to someone about how scared and tired she was but at the same time a part of her held back. Her marriage to John had scarred her in more ways than one. She was no longer an open, carefree person; years of abuse had made her harder and more reluctant to show her true feelings, she just felt safer that way. If no one knew the truth they couldn't hurt her with it, she'd built a strong barrier between what she felt and what she said.

" I'm fine, a bit tired but then I do have a baby to look after." Trying to change the subject, she looked him in the eyes, "And what about you? How are you?"

" I've been better," he told her honestly.

"Wow," she commented

"What?"

" You've really changed."

"In what way?"

"Well when I knew you, the answer would have been some sort of sarcastic comment."

Chandler nodded in agreement, she knew him well. Or had known him well,

" Well a lot of stuff has happened,"

"Like what?" she probed.

" Well," he took a deep breath, unsure if he was ready to share with anyone, let alone Monica who had enough problems of her own to deal with.

"Well…" Monica gazed at him inquisitively

" Well there was this girl called Kathy."

"Kathy?" Monica turned the name over on her tongue.

"Yeah, Kathy. She was Joey's girlfriend and well to cut a long story short, I kissed her when she was still going out with Jo," observing the surprised look on her face Chandler continued, " Yeah I know it was a stupid thing to do, it comes pretty high on the long list of dumb choices I've made"

"What happened?"  
  


" Well Joey was mad, not so much cause I kissed her but because I broke his trust. I never really got it back, we're fine now but we're not as close as we used to be. As for Kathy, well I went out with her for a while but then my stupid insecurities managed to screw that relationship up as well. I accused her of cheating on me with this guy named Nick, turns out she wasn't…..she did after I accused her though." He smiled ruefully, recognising the irony in the situation as he did every time he ran the story through his mind.

Monica walked around to his side of the counter and hugged him tightly. She was aware of the fact that he, like her, bottled up emotions and she admired him for having the courage to tell her.

"Sweetie, that was her fault not yours."

" Yeah so people keep telling me," he answered squeezing her back, " But I just wonder how it all would have worked out if my stupid insecurities hadn't got in the way. I feel like I pushed her away, and I hate myself for it. After that I figured I had some growing up to do. I know I come off as terrified of commitment but I don't want to be like that all my life. With Kathy I could actually see a future, I loved her."

Chandler couldn't believe he was telling Monica all this. Feelings that he had tried his hardest to repress, he was pouring out to a woman he hardly knew anymore. The strangest thing was he felt comfortable doing so, he felt comfortable with her being there in his arms, he felt comfortable telling her his secrets. She had always made him feel that way.

" And then there was you," he whispered into her hair. Monica pulled back,

"Me?"

"Yes you. Monica, when you got married I felt so jealous. I know that we're just friends but you were my special friend, the one I told everything to. When you met John I was so happy for you but a tiny part of me felt that he had taken you away from me. The dynamic of the gang changed when you got married, at first it wasn't so different, you still visited. Then Chloe was born and the visits became less and less frequent. Do you realise Mon that I hadn't seen you for nearly 3 years? I missed you so much. Then you came back, but things were different again, you were different. And I know that's not your fault but to be honest I miss the Monica who I could laugh and talk to. I missed this," he gestured in between them.

Monica just stood and wept, the barrier she had built to stop herself getting hurt had crumbled completely at Chandler's words. 

"I missed you too," she sobbed into his shoulder as she clung on for dear life. Chandler stood and stroked her hair, glad that she was finally talking; it was her newfound silence that had been the hardest thing for him to deal with. Time stretched on until Chandler finally gathered the courage to ask Monica the question that had been on his mind since she had returned.

" Mon, why didn't you tell one of us? You know we would have come and helped you in a second if we'd known."

She'd known the question was coming yet it still hit her like a ton of bricks. Why? The endless questions that had no simple answers. The question she had dreaded and avoided answering for so long. She drew a long, shuddering breath,

"The first time he hit me was on a summer's afternoon, I remember that I was in the kitchen with Chloe, cooking, I remember the sunlight streaming through the window, the sound of kids playing outside in their front yards. He came through and I thought he looked drunk; he'd been drinking a lot. He asked me what I was cooking and I said pasta, he said he didn't like pasta even though I knew he did. He went to the fridge to get another beer and I told him he'd spoil his appetite. He told me to shut up; he'd been doing that a lot as well. And then," Monica started shaking in Chandler's arms, 

"then Chloe started crying and he went 'for God's sake is there no peace in this damn house' and I turned round and said 'maybe there would be if you weren't here' He got this look in his eyes, he drew his hand back and I knew he was going to hit me. I ducked but too late, he got me right there," she pointed to a spot just below her eye

" And I was so mad and scared afterwards, both for Chloe and myself, but most of all I just wondered why he had done it. He said he was sorry, he said it again and again and because I'm stupid I believed he was. But was he fuck, he was sorry every time he hit me and yet he kept on doing it. He wasn't sorry at all."

Chandler stayed silent, holding her as she continued to whisper her sad past to him,

" I guess that's the biggest reason why I didn't leave, why I didn't call for help. Because every time he said sorry I believed him. I wanted to believe him, I loved him, and a part of me still does. You know how people say love can conquer all? Well I was convinced if I just stayed we could push past it. Maybe it was arrogance believing I could change him. I guess that was dumbest thing I ever did" she laughed bitterly

"And then another part of me wanted to stay and find out WHY he did it. I asked him once when we having a good day, we'd just had sex. You know what the bastard said? He said, because he felt like it. He abused me for 3 years just because he felt like it! There were other things as well like the shame. I was so ashamed; I felt like maybe I was to blame so I hid away," Monica's words began to tumble over one another as her emotions rushed out,

"And you know after years of being told you're worthless you start to believe it even though you're trying your hardest to block everything out. He'd call me a bitch and a slut. He'd hit me, pinch me, kick me but I just tried to ignore it. It all blurred into one, pain mixed with happiness until I couldn't tell one from the other. I was so fucked up, I was a wreck. Thank God for Chloe and Rachel because if it hadn't been for them I don't think I would have been able to pull myself out of there. I left after the way John reacted over my pregnancy; I left for the safety of my children. Maybe I am worthless, I didn't have the strength to leave for myself"

" Oh my God Monica," Chandler spoke, his voice choked, " You have to know you're not worthless. You're the strongest person I know, not only did you get out of there but you managed to get your life back in order. You know what Ross said to me the other day? You were sitting playing with Rachel and he turned around and said ' I am so proud of her, my baby sister is so strong. How did she manage Chandler? I don't think I could have.' We love you Mon and we will never let you get hurt again."

" I know that Chandler. But I'm just so scared. I'm a single Mom with no job, 2 kids and an estranged husband who beat me. How fucked up can one life be? Every new day is a challenge for me, sometimes the only thing that gets me through is my babies. I love them so much but at the same time I'm terrified for them. I don't want them to grow up and go out into the big wide world, cause I'm scared they'll end up like me. Most of all, I'm scared that I'm not going to be a good Mom. Already Chloe has seen her Mommy covered in bruises, bleeding on the carpet, trying to crawl up the stairs to bed. She asked me once one night, when John was in a good mood, ' How come Daddy isn't hurting you today?' How twisted is that? She is a 5 year old kid who accepts violence as normal. My life is screwed up, I know that, but I couldn't forgive myself if I screwed up theirs as well."

" Monica listen to me," Chandler spoke firmly, moving her so they were face to face, " You are not the fuck up, John is. You are a wonderful, loving mother and person. You think the world of your kids, and they think the world of you. Everyone who knows you loves you, your kids loves you, your brother loves you, the gang loves you," he looked into her eyes and in a barely audible voice finished his sentence, " I love you."

Slowly he leant in and kissed her. She wasn't surprised by his lips on her own, she didn't mind either. Their soft caresses made her feel loved, made her feel wanted. She moved closer to Chandler, looped her hands around his neck and pulled him closer. His tongue slid into her mouth and still she didn't stop him but instead moaned into his mouth. Monica's kisses became increasingly more needy as she found the love she had been craving for with John. She knew perfectly well that she should stop, that this was just a temporary passion that would bring more problems than it was worth,but she couldn't push herself away. She knew she was going to sleep with him if something didn't stop her. 

Suddenly, jus as Monica accepted the inevitable, Rachel's shrill cry broke the heated silence of the apartment. 

TBC (?)

So my children, how was that one? Did you like the conversation or should I stick to my descriptive writing? And the biggest question of them all…should I continue?


	6. Tears 6

Tears Chapter 6  
  
A/N - Ha HA a years worth of writing block...take that, I finally wrote some more of this :p  
  
Disclaimer: I'm not gonna lie to myself, I don't own them.  
  
Rachel's stark cries broke through the feelings they'd enveloped themselves in. Monica jumped back as if she'd been scalded and rushed into her bedroom, slamming the door behind herself, hiding herself away. Chandler stood and stared. Running his fingers subconsciously across his lips he slumped down on his barca lounger, contemplating what had just happened. Staring intently at the door until his vision blurred Chandler replayed the kiss in his mind over and over again. He could almost feel her soft skin under his finger tips, her lips brushing enticingly over his own, her scent filling the air around them, wrapping them up comfortably in the moment. Monica sat rocking Rachel, not even noticing as her cries subsided into quiet whimpers. She wanted more than anything to go back into the living room, throw caution to the wind and kiss Chandler again and again until she forgot anything had ever hurt her. She wanted more than anything to not be afraid. But she couldn't let it happen, her inbuilt fears of trusting anyone with any part of herself prevailed and she wasted the night away wishing for something she would not let herself have.  
  
'Why did I do it?' Chandler berated himself for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He was sick of that phrase running through his head over and over again, he'd spent his whole week asking himself and he always returned to the same answer, a very simple one that made life both beautifully simple and confusingly complicated. Love. He wasn't sure if he liked that answer at all. A part of him had always loved Monica, he realised that now. It masked itself as friendly affection but it had always been there, holding her up as the ideal with which he measured all woman against. None of them had ever made it, none of them could compare to his Monica. A Monica he could look at but not touch, she'd always been unavailable to him. 'Even now', he noted with a wry smile. She was further away than ever, she had barriers that Chandler wasn't sure anyone could penetrate. 'So why now then?' Maddeningly it all came back to love. It was as simple as that, try as he might he couldn't complicate it. She'd spent the week avoiding him with such talent that he's barely glimpsed her at all. He could tell what she was doing, could see her shutting herself off but he didn't have the courage to stop her. He didn't want to lose her, didn't want to say anything that would push their fragile relationship over the edge and send her running in the opposite direction. 'Then again,' he mused, 'there won't be much of a relationship left if I don't get my ass into gear and do something' That realisation gave him the courage he needed. Leaping up, he strode out of the coffee house, determined to talk to Monica before his resolve faded.  
  
About 10 paces outside of Central Perk his courage began to melt away. What if she wasn't at home? What if she ignored him? What if she ran away? What if she didn't even care? Taking a sharp right away from the apartment block and the questions it raised Chandler wandered through Central Park and sat down heavily on a bench. The rain sodden wood was making his new suit wet but he didn't notice. He picked up a glistening stone and began throwing it aimlessly from hand to hand as he contemplated his position. How could one little woman affect him so much? Her words and actions had come to mean so much to him. All she had to do was smile and it would make his day. He noted with sadness that she didn't smile much anymore and when she did it never reached her eyes. He wanted more than anything to be the one to make her smile again. Throwing the stone down in frustration he turned to leave but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder,  
  
" Is this seat taken?" Monica asked pointing beside him.  
  
" No," he muttered smiling slightly as he sat back down. Taking this as an invitation Monica swept away the gathered water with her jacket sleeve and sat down beside him, placing a careful distance between their bodies. Chandler stared at her waiting to see what she had to say.  
  
"I'm sorry," she whispered so quietly that he had to lean in to hear her. She glanced up to gauge his reaction. He was gazing at her as though he was trying to memorize every inch of her face. He had that same faraway look in his eyes that she'd seen as she'd watched him from a few feet away just minutes ago, trying to pluck up the courage to come talk to him, to try to explain - that much he deserved.  
  
" I'm sorry," she said again, this time louder, " I'm sorry for running away and avoiding you this last week, I'm sorry for nearly ruining our friendship." Chandler noticed with trepidation that she hadn't said sorry for kissing him yet, before she could he cut her off,  
  
" Are you sorry for kissing me?" The question caught her off guard, she stuttered and tried to regain her composure as she felt herself blushing.  
  
" No Chandler I'm not," hearing her words and seeing the pink color that was filling her cheeks, Chandler took her hand gently and leant in. Just before his lips touched hers she leant back and rose from the bench,  
  
" But I am sorry that I can not let myself do this right now." She turned and he thought she was going to run away again, but instead she placed a hand on the bench as if to stop herself from falling over. Her head shook as if she was trying to clear it from any thought,  
  
" I am so fucking sick of this," she spoke unsteadily, her voice laced with tears " I'm so fucking sick of being afraid of everything.of not letting myself feel cause I'm afraid it will hurt.I, I just want to be normal again."  
  
At this point Chandler, sensing what she needed, scrambled up and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, afraid to do anything else he just stayed still and spoke over her shoulder,  
  
" You are normal Monica."  
  
She spun round as if he'd hit her, instead of given her kind words.  
  
" What kind of normal do you know Chandler?!!!" she spat out. He stepped back, his hands upraised as if to fend off her angry outburst, " It is not normal for every part of your body to want to be with one person, yet you can't because you're too afraid! You don't know Chandler! You don't know how frustrating it is to be scared all the time."  
  
A nearby couple turned to stare at what they assumed was a lovers spat, making Monica realise just how public her outburst was.  
  
" Look," she said, lowering her tone and stepping closer to Chandler, " I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I thought I could handle this but obviously not.I've gotta go" she turned round to leave but Chandler grabbed her hand before she could run away for the last time,  
  
"Wait," seeing her frantic look at his sudden action, he let go of her hand and pleaded more softly, "Wait Monica please."  
  
"Chandler anything you say is going to make this harder..I just can't handle hurting you and that's what will happen if we continue, so I think it's best if I go..."  
  
"Monica please just stop running away, or thinking about running away for one second and listen to what I have to say," she said nothing to that so he continued, "look you know I've never been that good with words, so I'm just going to say this and get in done with. I am hopelessly in love with you," her head whipped up and her mouth opened, a protest already forming on her tongue, he placed his finger gently on her lips, "shhhh, let me finish. I am hopelessly in love with you, always have been and always will be. I know you are afraid, do you think I can't see it in your eyes? You don't need to explain anything to me, because I do know. I know what it's like to be too afraid to start a relationship with your best friend. Ever since I've known you I've known what that is like. I also know that you're hurting and have been for a long time. I don't know exactly what you've been through but I do know that I want to help. I want to be able to make it all go away. You may not be ready for a relationship but I'll wait Mon cause I love you. I want to be next to you when you're truly happy again; I want to have the opportunity to make you happy again. Please let me in"  
  
Monica sniffed loudly, not trusting her voice she stepped into his arms and hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shirt and sniffing again. They stood there entwined together until Monica could be sure of her voice again,  
  
" For someone who's not so good with words I'd say that was pretty good," Chandler let go of a breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding as she chuckled in his arms. Gradually she became still again and began to run her hands up and down his back.  
  
"Thank you," her muffled voice told him, "Thank you for understanding, for promising to be there." She lifted her face to him and stood on her tiptoes, wrapping her hands around his neck. Just before their lips touched she whispered again, "Thank you."  
  
TBC  
  
Okay here comes the obligatory begging for reviews. PLEASE REVIEW!!!! PLEASE!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! PLEASSSEEEEEEE!!!!!!! *is done* 


	7. Tears 7

Tears 7  
  
And I managed to force out another chapter. Yay go me! You know anyone would think I find it a chore to write ;)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. But if I won the lottery I'd buy new friends and pay for their plastic surgery so that they looked just like them :D  
  
It was a week since Monica had finally let herself go in the park. She was relieved and increasingly happy to find the light headed feeling of freedom, of being able to drop the fear that had kept her trapped in darkness for so long, had not left her. Simply allowing herself to trust Chandler opened her up to feel and experience life again. Every night after she put her girls to bed she'd curl up on the sofa with Chandler and just talk for hours. Sometimes it would be about trivial, silly things, other times it would be more serious. She'd open up to him, always with intial trepidation, but seeing the reassuring love in his eyes and feeling his comforting arms encircling her her confidence would slowly increase. It didn't matter much to her what they talked about, more the joy in knowing that she could, that if she needed to talk Chandler would be there for her. Sometimes all she needed was simply to be held. She loved lying in his arms, softly kissing him as he ran his hands gently up and down her back creating little shocks of pleasure underneath her skin. She loved that being with him made her happy.  
  
Chandler watched with amusement from his bedroom door as Monica, with a dazed smile on her face, took twice as long as usual to make their morning coffee. It struck him then how relaxed she looked, his pj bottoms rolled up around her small waist to stop them falling down and her hair half heartedly scraped back into a messy bun at the nape of her neck. 'She does wonders for my pj's' Chandler thought to himself, noticing how her t-shirt rode up to reveal a tantalising strip of skin every time she stretched and reached up into the cupboards.  
  
Chandler was so distracted by this train of thought that he didn't realise what she was about to put in their coffee before it was too late. Walking up behind her, he wrapped his arms around her waist as he peered down into the coffee she had just ruined, " I don't know how you've been drinking coffee for the last couple of years but in New York I'm pretty sure it's customary to drink it with sugar not salt." Monica snapped out of her daze and looked down at the container she had just poured from. Sure enough, written clearly on the side was 'salt'  
  
"Oh my God," she muttered. With each word Chandler felt her tense up in his arms, he stared at the back of her neck as she shook her head repeatedly, "Oh God, I'm so, so sorry."  
  
He could recognise the signs of Monica's panic instantly, despite the fact she knew she was safe with him her fear seemed to always kick in as an automatic response. Pulling her closer to him Chandler kissed her neck gently before whispering in her ear,  
  
"Shh honey, it's okay - it's me, Chandler." Monica registered his words and stopped panicking, leaning back into him as he continued to speak,  
  
"It's okay, we'll just make some more - when have you ever known an apartment in New York to be short of coffee?"  
  
She chuckled at that and turned her head to peck him softly on the mouth. " Thank you," she said earnestly, turning around to face him again. These sudden flashes of fear were becoming less and less frequent but they still came and Monica was incredibly grateful to Chandler for having the sensitivity to be able to diffuse the situation before she ran off, or worse shut herself off again.  
  
"No problem," he replied, "besides," he leant towards her as if whisper something deeply secretive, "it gives me a chance to watch you reach up for things from the cupboard again. Do you have any idea how hot you look with your t-shirt riding up and my pj bottoms falling down?"  
  
Monica slapped him lightly across his ribs for that remark but was soon distracted from inflicting further punishment as his kisses trailed from her ear, down her throat and back up to her mouth again. Chandler placed several featherlight kisses on her mouth, drawing away before she got the chance to lean into him. However soon the need to taste her mouth fully overcame the need to tease her so pressing his lips harder into hers Chandler cupped her face and began to kiss her in earnest. As they kissed they moved back on unsteady feet until Monica was sandwiched between the kitchen counter and Chandler. Things were just beginning to heat up, with Chandler moving his hands up beneath Monica's t-shirt to caress the smooth skin he'd been looking at earlier when a familiar cry tore through the apartment. Groaning, Monica tore herself away from Chandler's mouth.  
  
"Rachael," she muttered with anything but motherly love in her voice as she leant her head in Chandler's shoulder in frustration.  
  
" You know we really do need to teach your kid about timing," Chandler quipped as he let Monica out of his arms to soothe the crying child.  
  
"Yeah and not to inherit their Uncle Chandler's sense of humour," Monica threw back over her shoulder as she entered the bedroom. After a moments hesitation in which Chandler tried, and failed, to come up with a suitably sarcastic comment he followed her into the room and watched in amusement as Monica tried to calm the fussing child in her arms without waking up Chloe who was sleeping peacefully in her small bed that had been 'borrowed' (stolen discreetly) from a growing Ben.  
  
"You now Mon when you do it, baby juggling is almost an art form."  
  
Monica merely shot him 'the look' and handed the squirming baby over to him. The total look of dismay on Chandler's face made Monica burst out in laughter, then have to painfully bite her fist to prevent her snorts becoming loud enough to wake up Chloe.  
  
"Not so funny now are you?" she asked him playfully between giggles as she carefully manoeuvred between her large bed and Chloe's tiny one towards the baby bag. Leaning precariously over Chloe's sleep tousled head Monica spoke offhandedly,  
  
"You know this room really is too small for 3 of us."  
  
"Well the offer to sleep in my bed is always open."  
  
It was a throwaway offer but Monica picked up on the obvious sub context immediately.  
  
" Chandler you know I'm not ready for..that. I just can't"  
  
Chandler was mortified that such a simple comment had seemed to put pressure on Monica and was by her side immediately,  
  
" I know Mon, I know. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant it in a totally innocent way..oh man I've screwed this up haven't I.I've gone and screwed this."  
  
"Chandler," she cut him off sternly, "honey you're babbling."  
  
She leant in and kissed him, the Rachael, affectionately seemingly willing to forget the whole incident. Chandler however was not. Reaching for her hair with his free hand he turned he head towards him, " I mean it Mon, I'm willing to wait however long it takes."  
  
She smiled gratefully at him.  
  
"I love you," he said as he leant in to seal his words with a kiss. Unfortunately he never reached her lips as Rachael squealed with delight and reached for a strand of hair that had escaped her Mom's bun. Pulling with childish abandonment Rachael yanked her mother's head down sharply, completely unbalancing Monica and in turn Chandler who was desperately trying to stop Rachel landing on the floor. In just a moment all three of them had landed in a heap on a very surprised Chloe. Shaking her head in utter bewilderment at the two giggling adults and baby that had rudely awakened her, Chloe wriggled out from the bottom of the pile and began to totter towards the bathroom. She looked back and shook her head as she saw Uncle Chandler desperately trying to untangle the mess of Rachael's hands and Mommie's hair. Sometimes she thought she was the only sensible person in the house.  
  
That evening a lamp cast flitting beams of light through the shadows in the room as Monica and Chandler sat together, surrounded by a comfortable silence. Chandler absentmindedly kissed the top of Monica's head that was rested lazily on his shoulder, the tender gesture causing Monica to let out a soft sigh into the quiet room, interrupting the moment they'd been enveloped in.  
  
"What is it? What's the matter?" asked Chandler  
  
" I was just thinking about what happened this morning."  
  
"Yeah nearly flattening your daughter is not one of the best ideas we've ever had." For once Monica didn't look amused. She smiled wanely but the smile didn't reach her eyes. It was the kind of smile that Chandler hated on her, a fake smile pasted on in hope it would hide and hold together internal cracks. Chandler turned to face her and stared at her questioningly. Monica managed to hold the smile for a second but soon it faltered, then fell away completely. She looked down at their entwined hands and began to play with his fingers childishly in an attempt to divert his worried gaze. It didn't work, Chandler continued to stare at her, refusing to let Monica retreat into herself and give whatever was bothering her a chance to grow.  
  
"It's about that comment I made this morning isn't it?" he asked  
  
" A bit." Chandler looked sceptical at this, "okay, okay.a lot." Monica conceded and ploughed on, determined to get this particular demon out of her before her instincts told her to bottle it up and snap it back inside herself.  
  
"It's just I know you meant it as just a stupid remark, one of you 'funny' comments," as she finger quoted Chandler stuck his tongue out playfully but quickly sobered up again as she continued,  
  
" but it really struck a nerve. You've been so patient with me, and you're so sweet and sexy - I wanna sleep with you I really do," at this Chandler grinned, "but."  
  
"Damn it! There's always a but!" Chandler let slip out before he could stop himself. He realised now was not the time for one of his 'funny' remarks but it seemed as if it had gone totally over the top of Monica's head, so focused was she on explaining her trepidation.  
  
"but," she continued, " I'm scared to. I'm scared to tip the balance we have now. Chandler this last week has been the best I've had for years. To wake up knowing I have someone to talk to, someone who loves, loves me in a way that doesn't hurt - you can't know how much that means to me. And I'm terrified of losing that."  
  
" Monica you won't lose me," Chandler told her with complete conviction, " I guarantee that. I've waited long enough to appreciate every single moment I have with you now. If you don't wanna sleep with me right now it's okay."  
  
"But that's the thing - I do!" she interrupted.  
  
" You want to but you don't feel ready, don't push yourself Mon. Don't forget how much you've been through."  
  
"Oh don't worry, I'll never forget," Monica laughed bitterly.  
  
"No what I mean is, your body is healed and bad memories fade in time but the psychological damage is something that's a lot harder to mend. Don't rush into anything until you're certain, you could find yourself opening up recently healed wounds. Don't hurt yourself for me, I love you too much to let you do that."  
  
"Wow," Monica leant away and looked at him appreciatively.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think you missed your true calling in life, you shouldn't have been a data.whatever you do, you should have been a shrink!"  
  
"With a name like Dr Bing would anyone really have taken me seriously?" Chandler quipped, allowing Monica to laugh and chase the tension in the room away. He had said his piece, now he would do as he had promised and wait for her. Looking at her sitting across from him, smiling her genuine smile, he knew if she wanted her would wait forever.  
  
"Come on then," she said and offered a hand to him, her mind made up in a moment of courage, "let's go to bed."  
  
Chandler raised an eyebrow but before he asked the inevitable question she answered, " Yes I am sure.but just to sleep, nothing else - for now."  
  
He took her hand, folding it protectively within his, and together they walked into his bedroom. With each step a fragment of Monica's fear floated away. She'd needed the boost that Chandler's words had given her to get of the initial barrier in her mind. Now she had found the confidence to overcome it she could feel her remaining fears and insecurities slipping away like insubstantial particles on the wind.  
  
They climbed into bed together and wrapped their arms and legs around one another tightly, Chandler cradling Monica's head as she buried her head into his shoulder. Monica fell asleep with a smile on her lips, in Chandler's arms she felt warm and loved. She felt the demons within herself that she had fought for so long alone were now finally being chased away, one by one. She felt something she hadn't felt in a long time - she felt safe.  
  
* * *  
  
She didn't feel so safe now. He was coming for her. She couldn't see him, bt she knew. The fear radiated off her in waves and he could sense it, smell it even. He was going to hurt her. She'd said sorry but it didn't matter because he was going to make her pay. The darkness swirled around her, she could hear him. Hear the echo of his breathing as he approached her. She was in the corner, making herself invisble, hoping he would not see her - or chose to ignore her. He didn't. He knew she was scared and he fed off that. She scrunched her eyes shut as he circled her, running ice cold fingers down her cheek, playing his twisted game with her. Knuckles cracked one by one as her balled his fist. He drew it back, raising it high above her cowered head before he struck. She heard the blow before she felt it. A snap and crack of broken bone came before the searing pain. The pain shot up and down her body, leaving a blazing trail. Her tears splashed to the floor one by one, unnoticed. She curled up into herself, into the blinding pain, into the tears and wished that she could die. He laughed.  
  
***  
  
Chandler woke up in confusion. The cool night air had replaced Monica's warmth and penetrated the sleepy fog in his head, preventing him from lapsing back into sleep. As his eyes began to focus he took in the sight before him and sat bolt upright in bed. Monica was curled into a tight foetal position at the edge of the bed, in obvious distress. The sheet was tangled around her legs, her dark hair was covering her face like a shroud and her breath was escaping in ragged gasps, punctuated by sharp moans of terror.  
  
Chandler attempted to lay a soothing hand on her cheek but she flinched away abruptly from his touch, scrunching her eyes up further to match her balled up fists. Chandler sat and debated with himself whether to wake her but soon his need to stop her pain outweighed his concern for the momentary fright he knew she'd receive as he woke her.  
  
"Honey wake up, it's just a bad dream, wake up," Chandler shook her shoulder gently as he spook. His gentleness was met with a fierce scream as she was pulled from her nightmare,  
  
"No! Don't hurt me, no!"  
  
Her eyes flew open and rested on his face. For a heartbreaking moment they were cold and hard, filled with only terror and loathing. However as the cloud of sleep and darkness passed from over them and she realised where she was the hardness was washed away by warm tears. Her body slumped against Chandler's and she let her tears spill onto his chest. She shook limply against him as he stroked her back and muttered reassurance quietly.  
  
Gradually her shaking calmed and her tears dried, Chandler continued to hold her until she turned her face up to his. He cupped her face with his hands and slowly ran his thumbs over her tear stained cheeks. Hesitantly he inched forward and kissed her - a long and tender kiss. Pushing harder into the kiss Monica savoured the calm it offered. Snaking her arms round Chandler's back she pulled him closer to her, all the while maintaining the kiss. A feeling of safety washed through her body, chasing away the raw horror of the nightmare she had just endured. Reluctantly he pulled away from the kiss. Chandler opened his eyes slowly to see Monica staring at him intensely,  
  
"Chandler, make love to me."  
  
He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times silently as if struggling to grasp the right words to say. Monica just smiled and kissed him affectionately. Soon the kiss became more passionate, her tongue pushing into Chandler's mouth as she tried to forget her dream and immerse herself in the familiar feeling of love and happiness that Chandler created in her. As she slid her hands up underneath his t-shirt and along his chest Chandler moaned into her mouth. Forcing himself to break away whilst he still could, Chandler looked into Monica's eyes searching for some clue to explain her sudden change of heart. Knowing he had to, but dreading the answer none the less, he asked,  
  
"Mon are you sure?"  
  
She stared straight at him and answered immediately in total confidence, "Yes. I trust you."  
  
TBC  
  
Okay that was the longest thing I've ever written (which is quite sad really) so please make it worth my while and review! I'll give you candy *passes out the bribes* 


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